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what I wanted to know had
to do with worthiness
by Rich Show
How have you incorporated
being alone into your spiritual practice?
We all arrived Thursday night for a briefing. The vision quest
consisted of being alone in the woods for three days while fasting, praying and
meditating on a question that I was seeking an answer to.
I canʼt
recall now what my initial question was, but I came to realize that the question
I had started with wasnʼt
really what I wanted to know. But I did get the answer I needed.
On the way up to the
weekend I was meditating on that quote from the New Testament, "Ask and
it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be
opened to you” (Matthew 7:7).
Ask. Seek. Knock. It makes a great acronym. Itʼs laid out for us right
there and it starts with asking.
Friday morning, I was taken to my designated spot and instructed
to stay within a 30 foot (or so) radius of that spot.
I didnʼt have
a problem being in the woods alone but what I didnʼt expect that first day
was how bored I would be.
I was really bored. I found myself looking for things to
distract me from my task.
It became redundantly clear to me how often in my day-to-day
life I choose to be distracted and by how many things exist in our culture that
can be used for that purpose.
Eventually, I was able to be still and focus.
“Ask,” I thought. So, I did.
Sitting cross-legged on the forest floor, I asked God to make it
obvious what I really wanted to know.
Soon it became clear that what I wanted to know had to do with
worthiness. Am I worthy? Does God approve?
After finishing my prayer, a little tan spider started crawling
up my right arm. I lifted my hand to smack it off and something inside me made
me pause.
Letting go of a reaction to defend myself I lowered my hand and
let it crawl up my arm.
Up it went and around my neck. It tickled so much! I almost
couldnʼt take
it anymore!
Cringing, I let it crawl. It continued across my left shoulder
and down to my chest. It then let out its silk and gracefully descended down.
It landed on my thigh then crawled back up its silvery line.
With such care and gentleness, it began to weave a web over my heart.
“Be still,” I
advised myself as I watched in silent wonder. “Be still — breathe slowly — be
still.”
It was raining later that night. I was lying under a tarp to
keep dry and trying to get some sleep.
I was really hungry; the last time I ate anything was the night
before. I couldn’t stop thinking about a half-eaten piece of lemon pound cake I
had left in my truck, which was parked about a mile and a half away.
I was feeling weak on every level. The thought of two more days
without food was discouraging and I started to get angry.
I was tired but couldn’t sleep, hungry but couldn’t eat. The
rain popping on the tarp was getting more annoying, more unbearable with each
passing moment.
“Shut Up!!!” I
screamed. I felt even more exhausted after that outburst.
I was going to quit and go home. I had had enough. I decided I
would try one more thing and if it didn’t “work”
I was outta there. “Help!” I shouted to God.
In a state of surrender, alone, huddled under a tarp in the
woods, hungry, weak and about to give up on my vision quest my thoughts went to
that spider’s web and how it seemed to be mending my heart.
Then my thoughts went to my question, Does God approve?
The rain had stopped. I pulled the tarp off and fell asleep, my
mind still holding my question, Does God approve?
My spot in the woods was under a thick canopy of trees. There
was this one little area above me where I was able to see the sky.
I was awakened from a
dream in which I heard three loud knocks followed by my own voice saying, “Three
knocks from within.”
I opened my eyes, and in
that little space in the canopy, was the brightest moon, in the shape of the
biggest smile, answering my question, “Does God approve?”
Indeed!!!
I knocked and it was opened to me. The Lord within me answering
with a big smile, happy to see me and I Him.
Whenever I see that crescent moon, that moon-smile, it reminds
me the Lord does approve.
Even in the darkness, in those times the sun isn’t shining. When
we’re in lack of integrity, feel we’re not doing it right and the voices are
loud that we’re not worthy, in those times, there’s God smiling.
It was so clear. It was my soul telling me, coming from a part
of me that’s in every one of us connected to God.
What I really wanted to know was answered clearly. And I don’t
doubt that anymore.
Rich
Show and his wife Anastasia own and operate Show Gardens & Crafts. Rich is
a housemaster at the Academy of the New Church boys' dorm and is active in
men's work. He serves on the board of SWET (Spiritual Warfare Effectiveness
Training). For more information or to register for a SWET weekend visit www.swet.org.
https://newchurch.org/get-answers/connection-magazine/loneliness/being-alone-with-god/
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